Recover From Lust
Addiction

I came into this program when I was sixteen. At that time, I thought I was only a porn addict. After joining the program, I realized I am a lust addict. Lust addiction is different from porn addiction, masturbation addiction, or sex addiction. I am not addicted to porn or fantasies in themselves. I am addicted to lust, and that in turn makes me compulsive about watching porn and fantasizing continuously. As I have heard in the rooms, one sip is not enough, and once I start, I cannot stop. I describe it as a two-fold illness, though some say three-fold. Either way, it highlights the three insanities I experienced in my addiction.

I was always a lonely, shy kid growing up. My dad and mum had some health issues, so they were not available to take care of me and my sister. My father was struggling to balance responsibilities of children and family, so he thought it to be best for me to stay away from home for a while, until their health got better.

My story begins in childhood when I was around eleven or twelve years old. My first encounter with masturbation was in class six, which I learned about from friends in my village and at school. Around the same time, I discovered pornography on my elder cousin's mobile phone and would try to look at it when he was not around. I remember carpenters working at our house for construction, and I used to borrow their phones to watch porn, which they allowed me to do.

My name is Senthil, and I am a member of Sexaholics Anonymous. My sobriety date is May 29, 2024.From a very young age, I was affected by a condition I did not understand. What I believed were habits, curiosity, or moral weakness were actually symptoms of a progressive addictive illness. The sickness showed up in my life through obsessive sexual thoughts and fantasies, using sexual stories and imagination to escape reality, and compulsive masturbation despite guilt and shame.

September 18th was a very long night for me. I had crossed another boundary by trying to act out with a person from my work and getting denied for it. My ego was hurt, which made me go on roads to find a partner for acting out desperately from whatever way possible, irrespective of gender. That night, tears were rolling down my ears while acting out, and I was begging for mercy from God. Driving back home around 3 am, I felt like a dead person.