September 18th was a very long night for me. I had crossed another boundary by trying to act out with a person from my work and getting denied for it. My ego was hurt, which made me go on roads to find a partner for acting out desperately from whatever way possible, irrespective of gender. That night, tears were rolling down my ears while acting out, and I was begging for mercy from God. Driving back home around 3 am, I felt like a dead person.

To understand this, you need to know the backstory. Around sixth standard, I discovered masturbation without even knowing it had a name. I had recently learned about HIV and thought I found a way where I could prevent it and be the savior. I was trying to see if it worked every time. Slowly, I was just waiting for everyone from my house to leave or sleep at night so I can try. Then I was feeling bad because I was hardly satisfied doing it once and was doing it multiple times, followed by the guilt of wasting time. To compensate for this, I used to study a lot, but I could never perform to my utmost efficiency.

Gradually, it started crossing boundaries like not to act out when family members were in the house, not to act out when someone was in the room, not to act out outside home, not to act out in public places, not to approach anyone for acting out, not to chat with strangers, not to do a video call, not to meet in person, and so on. I would set a boundary, go near it thinking that this time I will control, and boom, I crossed it. I felt very much helpless. I took medication and had a little relief, but I understood by then that only medicines won't completely relieve me of the obsession, though I always ignored this.

After almost three weeks of sobriety or being in a dry drunk state, there was September 18th, breaking all new boundaries. I always lived in a dual identity of being the idealistic son, student, and professional, while having this identity struggling with lust hidden from everyone.

I came home that night, lying on the floor, begging God to kill me, with eyes dried up. I saw a 12-step fellowship on Google where people were struggling with a similar condition. I entered the room online and cried like anything. It was the first time I met someone struggling with something similar. For a couple of days, I was entering meetings but not relating to shares, and I was searching for a similar Indian group. Then I found SA in India. God bless that moment. I felt like exactly this is my story, that's me, that's me after every share, and I felt like yes, this is the place I belong to. I immediately got a sponsor and asked him what to do. I was in such a condition that I was ready to have poison to get relieved of this lust, but fortunately, he told me I have to just work on steps. The answer was working steps, working steps, and working steps.

I was told some tools which help me in developing connection and working steps. I made friends with whom I connected like never before, just connected by one common problem. Working the steps in everyday life made it so simple. I just wonder how come there is such a simple solution for my complex problem. My relationships with friends, family, and professionally have been so much better than before. I can't explain how it feels to have peace when you get down to bed and the moment you wake up.

This program is very practical. I just had to be honest, willing, and open-minded for the new way of life. Whenever some newcomer joins a room, I still recollect the moment I got that ray of hope in that miserable state. Working with other sexaholics to recover is so satisfying. God bless you and keep you until then.