I came into this program when I was sixteen. At that time, I thought I was only a porn addict. After joining the program, I realized I am a lust addict. Lust addiction is different from porn addiction, masturbation addiction, or sex addiction. I am not addicted to porn or fantasies in themselves. I am addicted to lust, and that in turn makes me compulsive about watching porn and fantasizing continuously.

As I have heard in the rooms, one sip is not enough, and once I start, I cannot stop. I describe it as a two-fold illness, though some say three-fold. Either way, it highlights the three insanities I experienced in my addiction.

The first is the physical allergy. My body, brain, and nervous system react differently to lust than those of another human being.

The second is the mental obsession, accompanied by compulsive thoughts like: he likes me, he looked at me, he likes me, he must be thinking about me. Every guy I came across became my husband. It sounds funny, but when it happens every single time and starts interfering with daily life, it becomes real trouble.

I am not saying that falling in love or finding someone attractive is wrong. Where I draw the line is that I am addicted to that feeling. I crave it because it fixes something inside me, or at least I believe it does. It reshapes something within me. As Roy K. says, it is not a mood-altering disease; it is a reality-altering disease. Lust does not just alter my mood; it has the power to alter my personality, my feelings, and my perception of reality, and I am not exaggerating.

The last part of this illness is the spiritual malady. What once gave me life started taking it back. What once filled the hole started digging it deeper. What once felt like the solution became the problem itself.

I became suicidal at the age of eight. My fantasies started with “I want to kill myself” and “what would happen if I died.” I do not remember exactly when they became sexual. I cannot pinpoint any early sexual exposure. Maybe there was some, but I forgot about it until I did my first Step Four at seventeen.

Because I was underage, I had to stay out of the program until I turned eighteen. I waited two full years. Do not ask me why I waited. Maybe I liked the support I was receiving and the fellowship sister who helped me during that time. I still remember when she told me, “Arpita, call me when you want to watch porn.” Silly me, I asked, “How will I know?” She answered, “You will feel it in your body.”

She was talking about withdrawals.

I started experiencing withdrawals about eight months into sobriety. They were intense, and the compulsions returned heavily whenever I watched something romantic or fantasy-like on television. My media addiction turned out to be much worse in later sobriety years.

I dreaded staying home alone. I struggled to read or articulate my thoughts. My brain felt as if it were shutting down, and I could not understand what the White Book was saying. I did not even know if this sexaholic stuff was for me. I heard about steps and meetings but did not attend until I turned eighteen.

I still remember my first SA meeting. A brother said, “Arpita, you can never tell us anything we do not already know.” I loved that. I felt deeply welcomed. After some time, I got my first SA sponsor, who helped me tremendously in understanding how my addiction unfolded. I liked the idea that I was “not there yet.”

However, not having much addictive behavior compared with others, and being so young, made me feel excluded. I could not relate much. I had never had partners or physical acting-out behaviors, and I thought I did not deserve recovery, that I should have more acting-out behavior to qualify. What insanity my disease had.

God showed me that I was in the program on His time, not mine. The more sober I became, the more clearly I could see my disease coming to life. There is so much more I could share, but I do not want to make this too long.

Today, I am twenty-two years old and have been sober for six years in this program. I still scratch my head when I look back at my story. Why would a sixteen-year-old come to SA, or even recognize her problem with porn? I still remember the first time I called the helpline. A brother called back, and I cried while talking to him.

“I cannot watch porn, but I cannot stop watching it. I feel so dirty. Please help.”

My body felt out of control, as if something inside me took over and acted out.

That is what we call the mental blank spot. Fortunately, I realized it early, and that saved me years of misery.

Today, I am in SA. I belong here, and nothing can convince me otherwise. It is nothing short of a miracle that God showed me the solution and made me who I am today.

I hold loving memories of my past self, the one who saved me and made me who I am.

Love you God.

Ashmita